Life After
by dayglo1
Summary: She hates herself. *post-ep to Lauren*   How the team copes, after.
1. Reid

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 1-Reid**

It horrifies him.

He should have known.

He should have _seen_.

It horrifies him that it took him so long to figure it out, put it together. It was all right there in front of him-the mysterious phone call, her distance for the last month, the bitten fingernails, her skittishness during the case. He was supposed to be a genius and he hadn't figured it out.

Not until it was too late.

He'd been so wrapped up in what was going on with _him_, so worried about his stupid headaches, he hadn't notice they were losing her.

Until she was gone.

His last real conversation with her had started out about her, but had ended up being about him. Here she was in a secret battle for her life, and she was honestly, genuinely concerned about _him_. Maybe if he hadn't been so busy dumping his problems on her, he would have realized she was fading away. Maybe he could have saved her. As it was, he never even got to say good-bye.

Soon after she arrived on their team, he had been abducted by Tobias Hankel, and had spiraled into addiction. She had been the easiest target to lash out at, the person he knew the least, the one he had the least connection with. And she had taken it. She had never lashed back, but instead remained steadfastly and resolutely concerned about him. While everyone else pretended not to notice, she wouldn't let him forget that someone _did_ notice, and that she cared.

He never thanked her; she never expected him to.

He never apologized; she never would have asked him to.

At Liberty Ranch, she never hesitated; she told Cyrus what he wanted to hear, beat him to the punch so he wouldn't have to betray himself. While he stood there not knowing what to do, too afraid to admit who he was, she took it upon herself to save him. And afterwards, when she was the one all black and blue and bruised, _she_ was the one concerned about _him_.

They became friends, but it was because of her. Because she never got mad at him or offended by him; because she knew when it was okay to joke with him and when it was time to back off; because she was fiercely protective of him when he had given her no reason to be and was just as loyal to him when he gave her every reason not to be. He misses her more than he thought it was possible to miss someone. In many ways, she was the team member most like him-geeky, but not as quite as much as he was; she didn't have his vast knowledge of random facts, but her skill at languages was incredible. She understood him in a way he thinks the rest of the team never has; in a way he thinks maybe no one else ever has.

She was the one he was closest to on the team, the one person who had always looked out for him; and the one time _she _needed _him_, he failed her. It isn't fair that she's gone, because she shouldn't be. He should have seen it long before he did; he should have looked out for her the way she always looked out for him. But he didn't and now it's too late, for so many things.

He'll never be able to thank her, and he'll never be able to apologize. He'll never be able to say good-bye.

He thinks he's going to be sick.


	2. JJ

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

Chapter 2-JJ

"She never made if off the table."

The lie tastes gritty in her mouth, swallowing it is bitter.

This isn't who she is, but somehow it's who she has become. Now she has some small appreciation of what Emily's been growing through lately, and she has no idea how she did it. How she kept the secrets and lies from crushing her and eating her alive.

When she talked to Emily in the hospital, she knew she would do what she asked. It never even crossed her mind to deny her. Here she was, lying in a hospital bed, so pale and wan, barely out of surgery and hardly coherent; and her only concern was Doyle and keeping him away from Declan. She couldn't say no.

She made the arrangements on her own; her time at the State Department has proven to be useful for something after all. Even those who helped her don't know exactly what it was for.

No one can know.

Hotch suspects, she thinks. He knows her too well, and he's the one who taught her how to lie so effectively. He suspects, but she knows he'll never ask. He's too afraid of the answer.

So it was up to her, to set up a new life for Emily Prentiss, to see her friend one last time and do nothing more than give her a new reality.

Then walk away.

And now she waits, the lone sentinel for a forgotten warrior. She's the only one who knows, the only one who worries and waits and wonders. If Em dies now, she'll never forgive herself. But if she returns, she knows the team will never forgive her part in this new deception. Every night she goes to bed wondering where Emily is, if she's safe. Every morning she wakes up wondering if Emily is still alive, wherever she is, or if she perished sometime during the night.

She thinks she won't ever sleep well again.


	3. Seaver

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 3-Seaver**

She didn't know what to feel, at first.

She hadn't known Emily very long, or very well. But still, something niggled at the back of her brain. She couldn't figure it out.

Then it hit her.

Emily had volunteered to train her while in the middle of the whole Doyle mess. At first she couldn't believe it. She spent hours digging around for a calendar she knew she had _somewhere_, just so she could confirm it. Sure enough, when she did the math, it was right there.

She doesn't know why Emily did it, or how.

And she doesn't know how she's doing _this_, now.

She's on the outside of their grief, looking in.

The team grieves, wholly, completely. She feels sorrow, certainly. There's regret, too. But she doesn't know about grief. It seems too strong a word for someone she didn't really know. But there's an ache there, just the same.

She knows it's not the same, though.

It will never be the same.

Her sorrow doesn't consume her. She doesn't have the same gaping hole in her heart the rest of them does. Nightmares of Emily don't haunt her, like she's sure they do the rest of the team. She's separate from the rest of the team in this, always.

She thinks she'll never belong here.

TBC


	4. Gideon

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 4-Gideon**

The slam of the truck door reverberates in the silent air.

He heads back into his cabin with his supplies and the newspapers for the last week. Putting the food down, he throws the papers to the side to skim through later. He stops when a familiar face stares back at him and bends over to pick it up.

**FBI AGENT KILLED BY TERRORIST**

He absent-mindedly sits down in the threadbare chair to his left as he stares at the picture. She looks almost the same as when he left three years ago. With shaking hands, he reads the accompanying blurb. It's woefully short. Simple facts, no elaboration.

He's left to wonder.

He carefully clips out the article, then opens his safe and lays it in the box with the others-newspapers with the mentions of New York, Liberty Ranch, Haley, Foyet, and many more. That done, he shuts the box back up and returns it to its customary spot at the back of the uppermost shelf in his closet. It's safely tucked away, not likely to be seen unless he wants to. It's better that way. He doesn't want to forget, but neither does he want to remember.

He thinks they're all his fault.

TBC


	5. Rossi

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 5-Rossi**

He sees the changes in the team.

Garcia doesn't laugh anymore. The silence it leaves is louder that any noise would have been.

Morgan is angry, he keeps waiting for the younger man to punch somebody. He figures it's only a matter of time.

Reid is quiet, his grief is palpable. He doesn't know how to bring him out of it; Emily would have.

Seaver has tried her best to be part of the team, but she knows she doesn't really fit in. Not after this.

The lines on Hotch's face have gotten deeper, and he really didn't think that was possible after Haley.

Everywhere they go, everything they do, the specter of Emily Prentiss hangs over them. They receive no peace. She was too much a part of them to be able to let her go. They are haunted by all they could have done, and all they didn't do. And all that has yet to be done.

He thinks they'll never truly move on from this.

TBC


	6. Garcia

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 6-Garcia**

Reid had told her she'd had a cat, so she'd asked Hotch if she could take it home to take care of him. She clutches Sergio to her and swears to herself and Em that she'll never let him go, Kevin's allergies be damned. She's not giving him up.

After her parents' deaths, she thought she would never be happy again. And for years, she wasn't. She drifted, trying to find meaning in obscure codes and unfeeling machines. It wasn't until she joined the BAU that she found what she'd been looking for.

A family.

Losing Elle, was hard; not least because she still blames herself. Losing Gideon was harder; for all that they hadn't always gotten along, she had never imagined the BAU without him. Losing JJ almost killed her. She was her best friend, still is. Getting to see her once a week is all that's made that separation bearable.

This might be the last straw.

Losing Em, it's like a physical blow, a knife to the heart. There was no tearful good-bye, and there will be no weekly get-togethers. She can't call her when she misses her, like she does JJ. She can't imagine that maybe she's living somewhere where she's finally found peace, like she does Elle and Gideon. Instead, she's just gone; ripped from her without warning and flung into an ether that she can't reach.

Just like her parents.

She clutches Sergio to her tighter, until the cat meows and claws her arm. She loosens her grip, but she doesn't let go. She's never letting him go.

She thinks she has lost enough.

TBC


	7. Hotch

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 7-Hotch**

He doesn't know what to think.

He's known JJ for too long, seen her sell a story to the press too many times. He helped teach her how to lie convincingly, how to weave a tale people will believe. And he doesn't know what to think. Because he thinks she may have just used all of that knowledge and experience on them.

He knows that if he knew for certain she wasn't dead, he wouldn't be able to do this. He wouldn't be able to listen to his team, be their comforter, all the while knowing the one they mourn still lives. He wouldn't be able to watch Morgan self-destruct, Reid draw into himself, Rossi soldier through, Garcia miss her friend, Seaver feel on the outside of their grief. He wouldn't be able to do it if he knew for sure.

Because if she _isn't_ dead, then it means she's done it to them again; but this lie's even worse than the last, because she's letting them mourn her and torture themselves…but she's also all alone, somewhere far away from those who love her, and if anything happens to her now, no one will ever know…

But if she _is_ dead, and she's in that coffin, then that means she's never coming back; that she truly sacrificed everything for her family, that she died and it's their fault for not being able to save her after she gave everything to save them…

He thinks it's better not to know.

TBC


	8. Morgan

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 8-Morgan**

He knows now why he was so furious with her, for sleeping with Doyle, for lying to him, for running away from them. For five years she had been a rock by his side, someone he thought he knew, someone he trusted implicitly.

He'd never known betrayal like this.

But then when he saw her on the ground, all of his anger vanished. As she died in his arms and begged him to let her go, he couldn't. He was too selfish. He had spent so long being angry with her, and now all he wanted was for her to squeeze his hand one more time. He didn't get to say everything he wanted to say to her. He told her that he was proud of her, but not that he forgave her. He called her his friend, but he should have said so much more.

And now he's tormented by reminders of her. At work he sees her desk, and sometimes he can see _her_. He can see her laughing, or throwing something at Reid, or helping Seaver…

And home's no better; on his coffee table is _Slaughterhouse Five_, the last book he'd been reading. He knows he'll never be able to read it again, but he also can't bear to pick it up and put it on a shelf, never to be seen again. That's too direct a parallel for him. So instead it just sits there, a reminder of all he had, and all he's lost, and all he could have had, if he hadn't been so angry and afraid…

He thinks he could have loved her.

TBC


	9. Prentiss

Title: Life After

Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game. Thank you so much for all the great reviews! Hope this last part doesn't disappoint!

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Chapter 9-Prentiss**

She hates this.

All of it.

She hates being away from her home, her friends, from everyone who cares about her. She hates jumping from country to country, identity to identity, being everybody and nobody at the same time. She hates always looking over her shoulder, never sure if she's chasing Doyle or he's chasing her.

She hates herself.

She hates that she's left her team to grieve and pick up the pieces. She hates that she's forced JJ to lie and obfuscate. She hates that she let Doyle get away in the first place. She hates that she's put Declan in danger, after all this time.

She hates that she can see no escape from this life, no light at the end of the tunnel.

She thinks being dead would be preferable to this.

Finis


End file.
